HOW TO READ THE SUNDAY PAPER (Post-Parenthood)

Saturday Evening: Set coffee machine for 6 a.m.

6:05
Creep out of bed to retrieve paper, anticipating at least an hour before children get up in which to read paper and enjoy your coffee.

6:10
Drop paper with a thud onto kitchen table and hope the kids didn't hear you. Realize with dread that even without kids you'll need through next Tuesday to read it all.

6:11
Silence from kids' room. Remove ads and organize sections into relevance, knowing time is of the essence.

6:15
Take a sip of life giving coffee. Begin scanning front page headlines.

6:16
Ignore the small whimper coming from the kids' bedroom.

6:19
Resolve to finish interesting front page story later and run to deal with shrieking two-year-old.

6:20
Find bottle under bed, wash it out, fill partway with milk and return to placate toddler. Pray it will take the edge off and he'll go back to sleep.

6:30
Read Food Section feature about woman who makes her own artisan cheeses. Wonder if she has small children.

6:31
Five-year-old yells from bedroom: "Mom? Do I have to go to school today?" Followed by a less-well enunciated echo from two-year old.

6:32
Reply: "No, go back to sleep." Don't bother holding your breath.

6:35
Silence from the kids' room. Take another sip of coffee and peruse the Real Estate section. Wonder why you can't live in a seven bedroom Dutch Colonial on an acre of land where kids could have their own rooms on another wing and you could read the paper in peace out in the gazebo.

6:40
Five year old shuffles in, followed by two-year-old, who's thoughtfully taken off his wet diaper for you and left it in the hallway.

6:43
Take one more sip delicious cold coffee. Wash the special bowl for the two-year-old as well as the magic spoon, which is the only utensil he'll use, for Cheerios with milk. Prepare soft-boiled egg and toast for five-year-old, who will no longer eat cereal because it gets soggy in milk.

6:50
Look longingly at the Book Review as you time the egg,. Glimpse name of graduate school rival. Note she is publishing first book. Note that even Michiko liked it. Seething in mixture of jealously and self-pity, lose track of time. Hard boil egg.

6:52
Have a bad mommy moment and tell 5-year-old she can either eat the egg as is or she and baby brother can be put up for adoption first thing tomorrow morning. She politely asks for toast.

6:55
Search for dishtowel to wipe up grape juice spill. See that Mr.Bear is using it as a blanket. Mr. Bear, like Daddy, is having a comfortable lie-in this morning. Use Sports section instead.

7:00
Note bitterly that it is 7 a.m. and that it is Sunday.

7:03
Five year old asks what the "brown" things on toast are. Reply: “It's toast." She says she's not hungry.

7:05
Glance at Weddings Page. Wonder if the Yale law school graduate and the Johns-Hopkins trained surgeon will have children when they return from their year at Oxford.

7:10
Scan Business as two-year-old makes Rhino noises and five-year-old protests.

7:15
While kids fight over Legos in the next room, try to take in editorials. Read first sentence three times, then throw section to the floor, where two-year-old will promptly pees on it.

7:17
Note he’s peed on William Safire. Give him a cookie. Tell protesting 5-year-old that she’ll get her own cookie if she can pee on any Ari Fleischman quote and three pieces of chocolate if she can find a recent photograph of Dick Cheney to soil.

7:20
Five year old can’t find Dick. Informs you that she's bored. Suggest she go jump on Daddy

7:30
Daddy gets up. Asks where Sports is. Lock yourself in bathroom with Sunday Magazine.

...parenting can be dangerous